Prisoner
by Distracted by Lemons
Summary: The eleven times Mai tried to love Ozai but just couldn't, and the one time she could. [#MaizaiMonday AU, complete]
1. Chapter 1

**I — Desperate**

The first time Mai tried to love Ozai was the first time he demanded it of her.

Mai ran her fingers across the red marks on her wrists.

It stung slightly as she did so. Even if it hurt, it gave her an excuse to not look up without acknowledging her cowardice, at least for a few moments. The man who removed her handcuffs a few seconds ago was waiting there and she did not know if she could look him in the eye.

Months after Sozin's Comet passed and all went as planned for the Phoenix King, she had been taken from the Boiling Rock by soldiers and taken here. It was a long, painful journey and she knew nothing other than the fact that she probably was not facing execution.

Facing death was one thing. Facing something worse was another.

"We won't need these again, will we?" he asked. She did not know if it was rhetorical or not.

So she wordlessly shook her head as she lifted her eyes from her skin. She did not plan on looking up at him but he set two fingers beneath her chin and forced their eyes to meet. Mai had never seen his eyes before, she now realized. They were much like Zuko's, like Azula's, and she supposed she must have known that deep down.

"What do you want with me?" Mai whispered. She wished she could be louder, but it discomfited her enough to speak that way to him. She just was desperate to know and desperate to cling to some form of strength.

"I want you," he said, which could mean many things.

"For what?" Mai asked, now desperately seeking out a way to escape. There wasn't one. Why would there be one?

"I want you to love me," he demanded, which was an order she did not expect.

She looked at him for a moment and embraced her fate, at least partially.

Mai tried to love him, tried at least to pretend for a few moments, desperately attempting to force herself to see him that way.

She could not do it.

He saw it in her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**II — Cutthroat**

Ozai promised to join Mai tonight. She was the opposite of happy about it. And so, after a slave dressed her, she made a bold decision.

"Can I have a mirror? I want to look nice for him in order to stay alive," Mai said, keeping her tone dry and half-mocking. She received what she asked for due to her cavalier way of asking.

Mai broke it and slid it under her pillow.

When Ozai entered, she let him kiss her. She let him touch her skin and undo most of her clothes. As soon as she took off his shirt, she reached beneath her pillow and aimed for the throat. She succeeded in slashing his shoulder. _Fuck_. She lunged forward to stab him in the chest, but he burned her wrist. She screamed and dropped the glass.

He pushed her down and stood.

After she got dressed, she was taken by guards through the halls. She hoped to be returned to her prison, or executed. Instead, she was brought to Ozai. He was still bleeding, much to the healer in the room's evident dismay.

"She will clean up the wounds," he said, which confused Mai.

The throbbing pain in her wrist made her decide that she might as well do it. She reached for rags and salves and bandages, trying not to make eye contact.

She wanted to be angry about helping heal the wounds she inflicted, but she had to keep herself cold and emotionless. And so, she tried to love him. If she loved him, she would see no problem in bandaging him up.

It did not work.

She felt sick the entire time.


	3. Chapter 3

**III — Fable**

Mai never made up her own pretend games as a kid; that always was Azula's area of expertise. Like most things, she realized later in life. Not _much_ later. Maybe not even when she was in Omashu away from Caldera.

She just knew that Azula could tell a good story. The girl was clever that way. Mai never had much of an interest in it.

Until now.

Mai was very alone. _Always_ alone, locked in this horrible, cold palace in this horrible, cold country. She missed her home in the Fire Nation, even if she was a traitor now.

It wasn't worth it. She could not have lived with herself if she made another choice, but it wasn't worth it, in the end.

Now she let her mind slip to different places she did not know existed there.

She let herself imagine things when she never had an interest anymore.

There were some topics she never could force herself to make up. Or maybe she wasn't good enough at it, or prone to creativity.

Mai could not give the man who got whatever he desired what he wanted.

She could not love him.

She could not say it convincingly even if she were to try.

But, today, as she lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and would have just combusted from boredom if she did not think about pretty fables that were not her current situation, she tried to think about what it would look like. It would be easier and more pleasant if she just _could_.

Mai did not know if she had a heart or not, but if she did, she couldn't force it to do what she wanted it to do.

Even when just imagining that fantasy world where everything worked out okay in the end.


	4. Chapter 4

**IV — Inferno**

"We don't have to fuck," said Ozai, the first time speaking to her since she tried to murder him with broken glass.

They were in the throne room. She was dressed up on orders she did not bother protesting.

"How kind of you," replied Mai sarcastically. She was not necessarily frustrated by the statement. The fact that it was some kind of gesture of good will was twisted, but she could not summon much animosity at the moment.

She was tired.

"Eventually, yes, but not now," he said.

"I figured." Mai knew she should not be so cold, but, on the other hand, she did not know any other way to be. This was her. He was allegedly in love with—more likely infatuated with—her. So, here she was. If he did not like it, he could have her executed. "Is there any reason I'm dressed up pretty and standing here? It isn't going the way I anticipated, to be honest."

"When did you last leave the palace?"

"Which one?" Mai replied. It sufficed to say that she had been nowhere since he took her from the Boiling Rock, and that did not really count. She was one of the three most adept soldiers in the Fire Nation. That made her wonder, "What happened to them?"

"I told you. They're in the Fire Nation."

"And you're not lying."

"I have no reason at all to lie to you. If either or both of those girls were dead, you would know," Ozai said, touching her hand.

Again, this was somehow supposed to be an act of great kindness in his eyes.

"So, we're leaving?"

 **. . .**

The dinner surprised her, and that was not easy to do.

He was human.

She liked talking to him and she did not like talking to anyone except Azula, and that ship had certainly sailed.

He was still her captor and the murderer of the only boy she ever would love.

She could tolerate him, maybe enough to be less miserable, but she could not love him.

 **. . .**

It was an inferno inside of her. There was no other description, although in the morning she would have known that it was mostly alcohol and the endless captivity that made her feel that way. She did take him by the hand when he escorted her to her room. Well, her prison cell, but it was better than the one in the Boiling Rock.

"I know you said we didn't have to but that doesn't mean we can't," said Mai.

He released her and she fell onto the floor. Mai stood up, not getting an ounce of help with it.

Of course he felt that fire. Stronger than her.

"You won't remember it in the morning. That would make it a waste of my time," he said honestly. He took her by the arm and pressed his fingers down, lightly, but enough to make Mai see through her blurry vision and fuzzy head. "I want you to remember why you're sore and I want you to know exactly what you're aching for more of. And I very much want you to see what a real man can do to your body."

When he released her, Mai stepped into her room and lay on her bed.

Tonight she tried a thousand times to love him, but maybe it only counted as one.

She came up short.


	5. Chapter 5

**V — Silence**

"Have you ever seen snow?" asked Ozai, studying the way Mai stared out of the palace window. It was the beginning of winter; it had been an eternity since she took part in a hostage negotiation with her former best friend.

Passing seasons were so much more noticeable in the Earth Kingdom.

She hated that.

After deciding she had no choice but to answer, Mai looked up at him with a blank expression. "I hate snow."

That was not an answer to his question, but he did not press further. It was not something he cared much about. He was just sick of her silence.

"You have very little to say about the new situation," said Ozai.

Mai dryly said, "Last I checked, you asked me if I had seen snow before."

"I asked you to marry me," he coldly corrected.

"You informed me that we will be getting married. I really didn't think royal orders required responses, but if you want one I guess..." Mai trailed off.

"You guess…?" He did not think she had suddenly become afraid of him.

"I guess I don't have one." Mai returned her gaze to the falling snow.

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her away from the window.

She made herself lean in to him. It was clear she was stuck.

Mai somehow loved Zuko even though he was a royal order.

She tried to do the same for Ozai, but just could not.


	6. Chapter 6

**VI — Ensnared**

In the middle of the star-studded night, in her stone bedroom, Mai was half-asleep but stuck awake thinking about the Phoenix King.

She was snagged, ensnared, stuck on a singular thought. All she could think about was how she was trapped in this marriage, in this walled city, in this pretty prison.

Maybe she should just conjure up feelings for him.

She tried.

She failed.

She was beginning to think that it was hopeless.


	7. Chapter 7

**VII — Generosity**

They were done waiting. It was mutual. That was mutual. That was a _they_.

Mai could not believe herself. Ozai could not believe her either.

It was something about the sunset over the conquered Ba Sing Se. She looked out and saw the fact that she did this. This broken city was her, not her broken boyfriend who she used for her own ends. All Mai wanted was to avoid her engagement to the man she was sitting beside.

"It is very generous of me to let you live here, isn't it?" he remarked, which made her want to stab him in the throat, but admittedly was something close to the truth.

"It's very generous of you to let me live," Mai said, sounding sarcastic despite being wholly honest for once. "Less generous when I think about the fact that it's all for your desire to fuck me, but still, more generous than I'd expect from you or Azula or even Zuko, actually."

He laughed. Mai did not know if it was funny or not, therefore she did not say a word in either direction.

They ended up intertwined, in bed, and Mai liked it.

She hid the tears. If he noticed he said nothing.

Mai was not supposed to enjoy this.

Maybe she loved him. Maybe she could pretend that this was all natural and that it was what she truly wanted in the end, despite the Boiling Rock.

She could not make herself believe that lie.

And so the way she wanted him again so soon hurt like the blade of a knife jammed beneath her fingernails.


	8. Chapter 8

**VIII — Blood**

Mai had never felt so anxious for something. In fact, she had never felt anxious for something at all. But so help her if she is not bleeding this week she will start slitting the throats of random people. Or maybe just her own.

She did not have anyone to ask, anyone to confide in. Even if she did, she probably would not. Yet, as she stared at the mirror in the morning and tried to find some way conceal the visible cracks in her psyche, she wondered again what would have happened if she had stayed with her friends.

They were supposedly doing fine. They probably were.

Mai did not know why they wouldn't be in a blissful, perfect little relationship of some sort. Ty Lee regretted what she did at the Boiling Rock. Mai might. She wondered if…if she knew she would end up here, in this situation, if she still would have done it. Never was she a selfless person. Maybe she would have sacrificed Zuko to save herself from this.

No, she wouldn't have. No, after knowing what it was like to be with his father she knew she would never be able to let him get hurt. He was gone. At least it wasn't because of her; she wouldn't be able to live with herself if it was.

She stopped those thoughts, but then was thrust into the ones about her current concern. It wouldn't be a reason to end her life, would it? Maybe if she went through with it, it would humanize the baby's father.

Mai visualized it, tried to find the bright side, tried to love him.

She was never good at that.

All she could do in that process was make her stomach nauseous and her heart race.

That evening, she found out she was not pregnant.

The crisis was narrowly averted.


	9. Chapter 9

**IX — Steel**

Mai never thought about her wedding day. Occasionally when Ty Lee and Azula would discuss such things she would put a few seconds of thought into it, but she always knew it was out of her hands. She only knew that she would have to be as cold and sharp as steel if she were to get through it.

Her steely demeanor was the one thing that got her through the day. She kept silent while she was made into a beautiful creature that she was not. The audience might have wondered why the bride did not cry but Mai never did such a thing, even when she was doing the unthinkable.

Standing there before Fire Sages and a multitude of strangers, Mai looked at him and thought about people who married and fell in love.

It was gradual. Love took time and Mai was aware of that.

She did not think she could love. She had a heart of steel and his was of stone.

They would not be able to do it, immensely good sex or not.

Mai was done trying to love him, because it would never happen.

The metal bracelet on her wrist marked that she had no choice but to be his and so his demand when he first dragged her from the Boiling Rock should have expired.


	10. Chapter 10

**X — Pain**

On the morning after their wedding night, they spent no effort trying to get ready. They wanted to stay here in this sunlit room forever and ever. The married couple was mostly undressed as they woke and looked at each other.

"Don't hurt me," Mai whispered, her first words to him since their wedding reception.

"How?" asked Ozai, reaching out to toy with her hair. "You don't mind playing with pain."

Mai replied, "I don't mean physically. I'm bound to you now; I literally belong to you. You're not in love with me. You're in lust with me."

"Lust and love are equally valid. They both are a strong, irrevocable attraction between two people." Ozai studied her closely. "I like what I see and I always have. I want you to love me and you will. Believe me, you will."

Mai whispered, hating to admit weakness, "Love hurts."

Ozai laughed at her. "What do you know of it?"

"Zuko," whispered Mai. She knew better than to speak his name. Tempting Ozai's rage was always unwise. "I loved him."

"That was adolescent infatuation. He left you very easily."

"I guess it was," Mai pretended to agree. She walked to him, stripping her clothes off as she went.

His gaze changed from livid to hungry and she knew she made the right choice. He took her by the arm and pulled her onto his lap. She only had to make a minor adjustment to be straddling him. With another fast motion, he slid his hands down to her lower back and pressed her _tight_ against him. She struggled and, for once, he released her.

She met his eyes and decided she would make herself love him eventually. Mai did not have options. Mai decided to use actions to convince herself that she might love him. She smoothly slid onto her knees.

Mai spent little time trying to imagine a love story and instead pretended she was in one as she wrapped her lips around his cock.


	11. Chapter 11

**XI — Beauty**

He told her she was beautiful. That was why.

It was a terrible reason. She did not reply that and wondered why. Maybe because it was valid, if somewhat insulting. Maybe because it was a partial effort on his part.

She still couldn't. She did not tell him that either, because it had been a long time and she should at least be able to fake it.

Mai could not. And telling her he kidnapped her and locked her away in a tower and made her marry him all because he thought she was beautiful was not going to change that.

Even if she was starting to crumble. She was beginning to give up and maybe embrace this situation. There was no escaping it, after all.

"You'll have to try harder than that," she said the second time he told her she looked beautiful and it did not come off as _completely_ sexual. "Because I'm trying every day to love you."

That all was true.

Trying was not good enough.

Almost loving him was not good enough.

* * *

 **Just one more chapter. I'm very excited.**


	12. Chapter 12

**XII — Blade**

Mai decided to kill him. He was close enough to her, attached enough to her, that she knew she could do it. She had enough freedom that she could escape the city if need be. The great Phoenix King let his guard down monumentally after months of marriage.

She stole the knife from the dinner table. He should have never started letting her have those again. While she may not have had an armory, this was enough. She did almost kill him with a shard of glass once.

Mai went to his bedroom. She thought she was ready to do it. Why was she sweating?

She knocked on the door. Why was she having second thoughts?

Motion behind the door. Mai dropped the knife.

She loved him, didn't she?

She couldn't kill him and so she loved him and so he won.

Mai never cared much if she lost or not.

That was probably for the best.

He opened the door.

She kissed him instead of killing him and knew it was the right choice.


End file.
